Well things with my parents came to a head and a reasonable solution.....as long as my
Let me warn you who have parents entering their "Golden Years":
Since we were young, my parents had let it be known that they did not want to end up in a "home". That they wanted to end their days in their own home. My sister and I agreed we would make it happen.
Well turns out keeping them home is costly. Not only financially but emotionally and relationship wise. To avoid these pit falls be sure that you and your parents visit a trust worthy Elder law attorny (avoid at all costs the "free" seminars offered by large firms). Actually anyone over 50 with a home and investment assets should visit one!
It also turns out that to one member of our family, a life long promise is only good if it doesn't inconvenience you. Or require you to accept responsibility for yourself and others!
After running around in circles for over a year. (4 really but got down to brass tacks this past year) Listening to threats of leaving (or not leaving) and insinuations that the dreaded nursing home would be a better choice. We have, I think, a resolution. And for the next few years at least, my parents and my family shall remain in our respective homes.
I promise you no matter how loving or kind you think you or your siblings are today....When push comes to shove at the end...people flip...and flip out! Protect yourself and your loved ones.....Get "Golden Years" plans on paper! A will and a living will are not enough. Verbal promises no matter how long ago they were made, or how often they were confirmed....are not enough!
I am proud of one thing. Through it all....We never let if effect the relationship my children have with their aunt. There was a bit of damage when we told them she had given us a move out date and we would be moving in. Then it never happened. My daughter, who is unbelievably empathetic and insightful, was let down by the emotional upheaveal this caused for us. She felt very lost by it all. I swallowed the words of hate and disgust I wanted to use to explain the situation. I totally sugar coated it all to keep her faith and love for her aunt intact. She didn't buy it though....She still loves her but you can see her trust is not as it was.
Hopefully this has taught her that family is family. We forgive and move on. We love them no matter what. The rest of the lessons I will teach her when she is older.
You may be wondering how my son did through all this....Well I THINK it all rolled off his back. He's always been that type. However there was a period of time that he was acting up in school (talking too much in class) and at home....Not sure if it was this or the excitement of Christmas and their birthday....hope it was the latter!
Well hope this helps you all....It has helped me to get it off my chest and to think it may help others to avoid these problems in the future.
Oh and to be clear. I do not think that caring for elderly parents are for everyone. I know that in some cases being in a nursing home would be better for them as well as the children. So please don't feel that I would look down on those that choose not to take that path. It is a hard one, and not for many! I just pray that others will not stand in the way of those that can!
I hope this is the last I have to preach on this subject!
Next week... onto just Mom-ing issues!
